a veil of vagueness, a sense of numbness and a general feeling of tiredness.

I see sunrise again outside the windows, three months to a year everytime. I'd like to pull the blinds down now, there's nothing new except that it's good to see the sun when she's this gentle. I'll be trudging home again in a little more than an hour. bus, mrt, jeep then an uneasy sweaty sleep. I hardly remember my dreams, it must be the heat or I drown it out with my uncoordinated thoughts. I am wasting away, I guess. Writing and creating something new with my hands seem to help but when my mind tires the feeling comes again.

Or there's just too much noise here. Someone I know has grown uncomfortable with silence, and turns on the TV just for the noise. It turns out that being uncomfortable with silence is much more common than I thought. But I miss silence, and it is one of the easiest things to find Solitude in. And one of the rarest things here in this city.

Almost everybody I know has been warped by work (me, included of course), even if a very few can contest that the work they are in right now is the one they like. It's not that hard to lose yourself, to change without yourself ever knowing, in a sense to forget some parts of yourself. To repeat myself: most of the time the only things we know now are things that we don't want or the things that we must avoid, the things that we truly want are just getting out of reach, or ignored because it is a much harder thing to strive for. We are not who we are anymore. We change even more unconsciously. The only way we can know this is through our old friends, lovers, exes, favorite companion, parents and only if we listen. And I add: ourselves. nosce te ipsum, even if introspection is a difficult thing to do here in Manila.

Perhaps dreams may also have something to do with it. And also its absence, moreso its absence I think.

I just need a big hug right now, and something new, yes, something new.